“It’s either me or them!” Have you ever been given an ultimatum like that? Well, some folks out there sure know what I’m talking about. While we often hear about men being the ones to cross the line, let’s not pretend women are incapable of making people’s heads spin.
Recently, one Redditor opened the floor with a loaded question: “Men, has your girlfriend ever demanded you cut off a female friend?” And the responses didn’t disappoint. A mix of heartbreak, confusion and a whole lot of drama made the cut.
More info: Reddit
#1
I never needed to be told to choose. I had a friend I was interested in, she was not…until I started seeing someone else. Then she started trying walk up when I was with the girl, run her hands through my hair, things like that but I cut her out because it seemed shady as hell. I didn’t even stay with the girl I was dating that long but never reconnected with the friend because who needs friends like that.
#2
To spin the situation on its head, my friend asked me to cut my girlfriend out of my life. Her or me style. He had been avoiding conflict with me for months, and we lived together. Easiest choice I ever made. Don’t miss my friend especially after he tried to manipulate me like this. And I married my girlfriend a few years later!
He was the drama, and it ended as soon as he left.
#3
I had a friend who got really interested in me after meeting my now wife, back when my wife was still my gf. She would cross boundaries, try to invite me to things alone without her fiancé and without my gf.
My gf expressed this to me multiple times but I ignored it for a long time. Eventually I saw the forest for the trees and ended the friendship and kept the relationship. The drama did end.
A lot of people saying to end the relationship and keep the friendship. If the friendship is truly that, then yes it may be a control thing for your partner. But if there is more going on, a second look may be required.
More context required and each situation is different.
But before we tumble down the rabbit hole of trust issues and ultimatums, let’s zoom out and talk friendship. As in actual, wholesome friendship. The pros will tell you that a solid friendship isn’t just fun – it’s essential. I’m talking less stress, better mental health, a confidence boost, and that warm fuzzy feeling of knowing someone’s got your back.
However, when things start to get a little too friendly, that fine line between friends and romance can blur faster than a Snapchat filter. So, the age-old question still pokes us: can men and women actually be just friends? Short answer: maybe. Long answer? Still maybe.
#4
Nope, I slowly had to just keep distancing myself from women and it got to the point where she accused me of wanting to f**k HER friends, my neighbor, etc. She even accused me of being obsessed with exes I havent talked to in years.
Nothing was ever going to cure her paranoia (it couldnt even be called jealousy).
#5
No, the drama never ends.
First it was exes that I was friendly with. Then it was co-workers and other women in my hobby (adult rec sport, like half the women were gay anyhow). Then it was family members. And it was my possessions, replaced with “our” things (that she demanded in the breakup…)
It’s all about control. They want control and are compelled to try to isolate you to achieve that.
Set firm boundaries and enforce them and walk away from anyone who won’t agree to them. That’s the only solution. .
Fact is, there’s no solid answer. It’s basically a toss-up. Sure, plenty of people have platonic friendships, and that’s great. But if you find yourself giving more time, energy, and emotional support to your “friend” than your partner, you might be stirring a pot you didn’t even know was on the stove.
And if your significant other constantly feels like they’re competing with your so-called “bestie,” that’s a red flag flapping in the wind. Now, if you’re reading this and smugly thinking, “Well, obviously, I’d never let that happen,” just know – it’s not always crystal clear when you’re the one living it.
#6
This ultimatum was graciously presented to me twice in my life. You should’ve seen the look on their faces when I picked my friends.
#7
I entertained her various ultimatums for a while. Even into our brief marriage. The choosing friends thing was our breaking point. A long time female friend of mine was hospitalized and a bunch of other friends and I went to visit her. Ex-wife told me i couldnt go see her. I went anyway because thats what friends do. I even asked ex- wife to come along which she refused. When I got home the ex-wife was furious, accused me of cheating, and slathered on the insults and in her fit of rage she demanded a divorce to which I agreed without hesitation. I believe she was bluffing to try and get her way but at that point I was over it.
#8
There are friends that are platonic and friends that are not. The girls in my life who are “non platonic friends” (read: FWB) those relationships and friendships end or pause when I’m dating someone seriously and exclusively. But platonic friends that are through professional settings or otherwise are not getting let go of for anyone. I’m not isolating myself for any significant other ever.
But I do know the difference between friends that my GF would and wouldn’t care about. And I respect that boundary every time. F**k friends go bye bye, regular friends stay.
#9
We ended up breaking up due to different career paths a couple years later, but actually – yeah. I was just kinda young and naive and had one particular friend who my girlfriend had a problem with. She liked plenty of my other girl friends but one just gave her a really bad vibe.
I ended up trying to talk to the friend to be like “hey, the way you’re acting to my girlfriend and to me around her isn’t cool” and she responded by trying to convince me to break up with my girlfriend because she was just a jealous b***h, and that she missed how I was when I was single and it hit me like a lightbulb… oh, i get it, you just want me to be single so I can be “yours”, you’d rather that than me be happy in a couple because it means you’re more alone.
We did some digging, and it turns out that if everyone thought the way women do, platonic friendships between men and women would be way more common. But if everyone saw things through the male lens… well, let’s just say the line between friends and something more would be very blurry.
See, men and women often approach friendships a little differently. Research suggests that women usually believe that a friendship can stay purely platonic. Men? Not always. Sometimes that “just friends” thing is really “just waiting for a chance.” And while both sides tend to agree that being attracted to your friend makes things complicated, guys are a bit more likely to lean into that “complication” rather than avoid it.
#10
When the girlfriends weren’t wrong about potential interest I honored it. When they were wrong I did not.
#11
When I was 18/19 I had a girlfriend who demanded I cut off one of my girl friends from back home. It should have been a red flag, because it was her “in” to take it further and demand that I don’t need to have friends who are girls at all. It spiraled more and I barely had time away from her at all. Suffocating really considering I lived in uni halls which was just 1 room, and she just never left.
There was never anything between me and said friend (s**t happened like 7 years later massive error of judgment) and the only reason my ex had to push the narrative was that she was a woman, and because I liked women I therefore must like her. I didn’t have the back bone and lost out on one my best friends. Don’t do it honestly. Cutting off friends, without an actual solid valid reason is likely just a push for control. Wether its a male or female friend.
#12
I didn’t cut friends, but I did cut using snapchat to communicate with them. Any f*****g picture was something they read into. Not using the app did end the drama.
But before you toss your friendship into the bin labeled “suspicious,” consider this: Platonic friendships between men and women can thrive, especially when there are strong boundaries, clear communication, and a mutual lack of thirst. In other words, it’s not impossible, it just requires emotional maturity.
While some men who answered this Reddit post said they gladly chose their girlfriends, others stood their ground and picked their friends over the relationship. But for some unlucky folks out there, drama didn’t end with the friendship.
One guy shared how cutting off a longtime female friend wasn’t enough – his girlfriend still accused him of eyeing her friends, his neighbor, and probably his coworker too. That’s because an ultimatum to cut people off often signals control, not care.
#13
If there’s no trust, there’s no relationship. If you don’t trust each other enough to be around other people, you’re not building a relationship for the real world. A world with other men and women living in it.
If you think your partner isn’t capable of controlling their sexual urges around other people, maybe a relationship isn’t a good idea. Whether it’s real, or all in your mind doesn’t matter. You’ll never have trust.
#14
Unless the friend is clearly objectively problematic, then this is an unreasonable request and not one I’d ever entertain.
#15
It’s a short term win. I guess it depends on how close you are to your friend. Some men die on the hill of “we’re just friends and you can’t control me”. Which is valid in principle, no one should feel controlled.
I’ve done it both ways where I caved in one instance and stood my ground on the second with the same girlfriend/wife.
When she and I were just dating I had a friend she was jealous of and I agreed to stop contacting said friend. My relationship with my gf at the time improved because she was happy I chose her.
Later after we were married and our relationship was on the rocks she went through my phone and saw conversations I was having with a female friend I’ve known for 30 years. She told me to get rid of her and I said no. My marriage was already falling apart and I wasn’t going to alienate another friend.
I guess what I’m trying to say is pick and choose your battles. It’s not worth losing something with potential over a casual acquaintance. But stand firm if it’s a dear friend who has always been there for you.
Let’s be honest, ultimatums like “cut them off or lose me” rarely come from a place of love. They usually scream insecurity wrapped in manipulation. And according to the wise folks of Reddit, once that door opens, it’s hard to close. Today it’s the friend, tomorrow it’s your barista, and by next week? You’re not even allowed to look at people in commercials.
At the end of the day, choosing your partner shouldn’t mean torching your social life. Real relationships are built on trust, respect, and the confidence to know your person is with you, not secretly plotting to run off with their brunch buddy. So, the next time someone drops the classic “It’s her or me,” maybe ask the better question: “Why can’t it be both?”
#16
Depends on the situation … if I am spending excessive time with my female friend alone then there is clearly something wrong and it’s fair enough to ask. On the other hand if I only see her when out with other people, or at work, then it’s a different matter.
#17
I think you gotta be honest about how your friend is acting to your girlfriend. If she’s getting all territorial you gotta have a talk with her and stand up for your girl. But if she’s being chill and your girlfriend is just not okay with you being friends with a woman, you’ve gotta really dig into that.
#18
One time my ex made me stop being friends with a girl who i had been friends with for like 6 years at that point because she was CONVINCED this girl had a crush on me. The girl had a f*****g boyfriend who she absolutely adored, you never win with these kinds of people.
#19
I think most men would simply decline if it is a truly platonic relationship and an unfair request.
If it’s a fair request (it often is), then I’d say there might be other issues than that one girl that’s a problem in the relationship – so simply removing her from the equation won’t really make a difference.
#20
Rule of thumb: if you’re presented with the ultimatum of its X vs. me, pick the one that’s not forcing you to make a choice.
#21
I dont keep female friends so never had this issue
Word to the wise is that there is a big difference between a friend and a *friend*. Hopefully you have the self-awareness to understand the differences and why under some circumstances, the ultimatum is entirely reasonable and would be the wise choice.
#22
I wouldn’t have a girlfriend that did that. That’s crazy.
#23
Nope, if you cave you’ll end up with joint social media. Jim/Amanda whenever I see this I automatically assume the relationship is s**t.
#24
A lot of clingy or controlling women will try and isolate you from your friends and even family. Keep you exclusively for themselves. If anyone makes ultimatums, it’s going to be for personal self interest…. not yours.
It’s not even female friends, but friends in general. Its not uncommon for gf’s to not like someone’s friends and want you both to hang out with their friends almost exclusively. I’ve seen this quite a lot, sometimes people drift away and disappear from your life. Others that embrace everyone end up being happy and constructive.
#25
Straight up dude, if they’re asking that, it’s genuinely because your female friend is a pick me girl, or because she’s controlling.
I definitely block all ex girlfriends on social media when getting in a new relationship to respect my new woman, and if necessary, have demonstrable evidence that I’m prioritizing her and not going behind her back.
#26
My wife and I have been married almost 25 years and happily. We both agreed at the outset to not continue friendships of the opposite s*x, and opposite s*x friends would only consist of mutuals. This has worked very well for us since it’s just one less thing to worry about. I’ve seen opposite s*x friendships ruin several relationships, including marriages, over the years. Goes without saying there needs to be a degree of confidence that the relationship will be long term.
#27
Nope, it doesn’t end. They just move on to the next area of your life they want to control. It’s a red flag, get away from anyone who issues an ultimatum like that.
#28
There will always be something when it comes to women in a relationship. Unless the friends are toxic to you never give in when the woman makes this demand. She can kick rocks.
#29
It wasn’t an ultimatum for either of us. There was no drama. We both decided that having “friends” of the opposite s*x, including exes, placed an unnecessary amount of stress on the relationship. Neither asked, it simply happened over time. After a few months we had a conversation and realized we both came to the same conclusion independently. We’re both older if that helps.
#30
Friends of the opposite s*x are one thing. Best friends is just inappropriate.