Successfully managing a lasting and healthy coupledom is something we all strive for. But how do you ever know that this particular person out of the 7.6 billion people on Earth is really the one? And aren’t we just over-rating this assumption that somewhere out there are our adorably compatible other halves that were sent from above and beyond?
Well, we may never find a definite answer, but we may as well look at what people who experienced the opposite feeling had to say about it. The question “Women who settled for someone that you knew wasn’t the one but was otherwise a good person, how is it going?” was posed on one of the corners of Reddit and it surely brought some very illuminating responses.
Let’s see what women had to say about the subject matter, and don’t forget to share your opinions in the comment section below!
#1
There’s no such thing as “the one”. This is a toxic idea that destroys relationships that might otherwise work out. People are compatible with you or not. And then there are principles of marriage that you follow to have success. People don’t follow these principles and then they rationalize with this idea that they just weren’t soulmates. It’s tragic.
I personally don’t believe in “the one,” I believe in making a choice just like with anything else. We choose our partners based off a long list of reasons of everything from looks to how comfortable we are with them, etc…. I chose my husband because he meets a lot of my needs, and I love him for that and for who he is. He’s not a GQ model, he’s not rich and yes sometimes he bugs the crap out of me, but I chose him. And I choose to love him for who he is rather than hold out for the idea of “the one.”
#3
Married for 28 years! We have had our ups and downs, but to be honest, he was the one — I just didn’t know it at the time. Sometimes ‘the one’ is an ideal based on youthful priorities, but with maturity, you realize some of those qualities aren’t as important anymore… I might add too, that I ran into ‘the one’ again a few years back. Was not impressed, and I think I made a good escape there!
Everyone wants a perfect partner, there’s no doubt about it. But when it comes to finding one, our society puts quite the pressure on having that picture-perfect love story where everything just sticks and flows like a movie.
But in reality, fostering a healthy and mutually beneficial relationship takesas much magic as hard work, if not more of the latter. Whether it’s “the one” or not, the couples are destined to face similar if not the same challenges that, in the end, test their love and really see if they are meant for each other.
#4
My husband now is good. He’s a fine person, a strong provider, he makes me laugh, the sex is satisfying. We can talk to each other easily. It’s just not the ‘IN LOVE’ experience that everyone says they want. Don’t get me wrong: There is love. But the romance/Prince Charming/ride-or-die thing is not there. I’m in this for the long haul. So is my husband
#5
I was convinced ‘the one’ was going to give me butterflies and be overwhelmed by my presence. When I met my current partner, none of those things were true. I kept questioning it, being like, ‘Something’s wrong. I don’t know if he’s the one.’ We’ve been together for a while and I’m glad I didn’t listen to those shreds of doubt. Butterflies are overrated. My partner shows up for me every day, and we have built a really strong and solid foundation.
#6
I don’t believe in The One TM so I married a man who is an incredible human being. I spend my time working on our partnership with a very pragmatic view.
In the times of worldwide pandemic, couples have faced unprecedented challenges. We were all thrown into extremely stressful situations, trying to make remote jobs, quarantine, home school, and limited leisure time work from home. No wonder the pandemic caused a never-before-seen spike in breakups and divorces.
So to find out how to keep that love flame burning even in the most hostile conditions that put our relationships under never-before-seen strain, We reached out to Jane Parker, a Strategic Intervention Advanced Relationship Coach who coaches clients to have successful, fulfilling, and healthy relationships.
#7
It has gotten better with work. He’s a good man and I love him, but I never fell in love with him. At the time we met I didn’t want or need that. I needed safety and stability. Now that we’ve settled into life together, I’ve embraced those traits he brings, and when I get the urge for something more exciting, I find it in other ways
#8
I fell unexpectantly in love with a man 31 years older than me. It creeped me out because I was in this cycle of dating guys five years younger than me. He kept giving me gifts, helping me, and taking me to lunch. We somehow were married five months after meeting. Even after a year of marriage, I couldn’t wrap my head around him being so old. I was always holding out for someone in my age range. After a decade I realize that he is definitely the one and realize that men in my age group are stroke-inducing. It’s going well.
#9
Will be six years together in a few months. He is the kindest person I know and he has always treated me with nothing but respect. He is the definition of a good man. And — I can’t explain how I know this — but from the depths of my heart I just know that he will never, ever hurt me. And safe is what I need to feel
“It is important that we have our own space, mentally and physically, and so the restrictions of the pandemic have taken much of that away from us,” Jane explained and added: “We are all dealing with our own feelings and responsibilities and that can affect what we are capable of giving to our partner and children. So it has a knock-on effect.”
#10
It ended years ago. Like some others have said, when you feel that someone isn’t “the one” it’s usually your mind trying to indicate to you that something is off. After some years I realized my emotional needs just weren’t being met no matter how hard he tried. Also, while I was attracted to him, he was not my physical type so when the going got rough, I didn’t want to sleep with him.
Now, I prioritize emotional compatibility and physical attraction more than I had in the past.
#11
He’s wonderful, a big part of my life and my best friend. We’ve already agreed that he will be my maid of honour and I will be his best man. Sadly we were too incompatible romantically but it’s turned into a fantastic friendship. He even chats to and plays game with my other half.
#12
It became clear after 8 months in that he never wanted a relationship, just a girlfriend as a sign of successful “adulting” and to not show up at family functions alone anymore. All the time, I was completely committed to the relationship even though I knew he wasn’t the one from the get-go.
My saving grace was that I found my dream job roughly 2 hours away from where we lived (we lived in the same town, just not together). I was eager to move away and finally pull the plug. I still would have broken up with him anyway, but I was glad to be moving far (enough) away.
Two weeks before I officially ended it, he told me that if one of his friends was dating someone like me, he would tell him to run and never look back. So I quoted this in the breakup and asked him what exactly he thought would happen? If he felt that I would want to stay after being told something like this? He said, and I kid you not, that he thought that by saying this to me that I would try to be a better girlfriend
But it’s not only the restrictions that have taken their toll on so many otherwise happy relationships. Jane explained that inequality within relationships has also been highlighted by women who feel like they’re having the best romantic time of their life.
“Many women feel that the sacrifices and responsibilities that have come about because of lockdown have fallen at their feet whilst their partners have been able to focus on their work as usual,” the relationship coach said.
#13
We got divorced after 3 years bc he wasn’t the one and he turned out to not actually be a good person either. I settled because I wanted a family but actually ended up wasting even more time by staying with the wrong person. Now I’m divorced and 40 with no children and no partner.
#14
Married for five years, together for 16 years. It isn’t always easy. We’re in a rough spot and it’s easy after every issue to think, ‘I knew I never should have stayed with him.’ Sometimes I wonder if I’m being a coward… My husband adores me and is a good man but does not fulfill me intellectually, is emotionally immature, and we are on different planets of sexual desire. It’s a struggle but it’s not a nightmare
#15
It’s going decently well. We have some communication issues to work on (as well as emotional maturity on my partner’s side), but otherwise it’s functional and I’m mostly happy.
Moreover, “It has been assumed that the woman will be the one who will home school, care for the children or elderly relatives, run their businesses/work from home and look after the house.” This especially can “cause resentment if not addressed,” Jane concluded.
#16
It’s going. I know it’s not right, but he is a good person. Sometimes I want so much more. Right now, it would cost me so much to leave, and I do have love for him. Our children have a great support system between us, and we live a decent life
#17
It went bad. Staying in a relationship like that for me felt like giving up a piece of me. It’s mature to compromise yes, but do it for the rights reasons with the right person for you. If your truth is to feel safe, if that’s the most important always, then go for it. I personally felt a void, something missing..I felt ultimately lonely and we broke up.
#18
Twenty years of marriage and three kids later, we are very good partners and make a great team. However, I am somewhat sad about how little we have in common outside of that.
#19
It went well for 10+ years. We are now apart but co-parenting. Life isn’t perfect, but that’s ok
#20
Pretty good. It wasn’t really a honeymoon at the start but we have now been together for five years and are very happy.
#21
I chose my husband because he meets a lot of my needs, and I love him for that and for who he is. He’s not a GQ model, he’s not rich, and yes, sometimes he bugs the crap out of me. But I chose him. And I chose to love him for who he is rather than hold out for the idea of ‘the one’
#22
Divorced. Currently remarried and sometimes I could wring his neck, but it feels SO good to truly be in love and be attracted to him
#23
I don’t know … I’m definitely with the one, but we are miserable as we are not very compatible.
So, I don’t know … I’ve always wondered if I could be with someone I wasn’t passionate about. I want to say yes, but I also have to be honest with myself. I am not sure I would be happy and may end up being tempted outside the relationship.
I had tried the practical route before and it didn’t work out. So I determined to marry for nothing but love. God knows I love him more than anything or anyone, but he is just a horrible partner
#24
I thought he was perfect, always complementing me, buying gifts, being positive. But deep inside I didn’t love him or get butterflies. He pushed for marriage and I was hesitant but ultimately talked myself into it. I thought “he’s good for me, you’re just used to bad guys that treat you like shit”. Married him and he turned into a nightmare. Ran up my credit cards, constantly wanted to buy new cars, new everything. Then as suddenly as he came on, he dumped my ass but not before meeting another woman. And another, and another. And in less than 7 months since he ended our 4 year marriage he got engaged to a new woman. She makes a lot of money. I hope she doesn’t get fooled like I did.
#25
It’s going fairly well — ups and downs for six years now. He works long hours and I love spending time on my own! It’s harder when we have his kids, as I have no desire to be a mother, but I’m better at organizing than him, so I take on a child minder role anyway. Hoping for the world to open up soon, as one of the things we enjoy is a romantic getaway. I love him, but I’m not in love with him.
#26
I didn’t know he wasn’t right until our first argument after getting married. I was convinced at that point that we would get divorced one day. I’m still pretty sure it will happen eventually. We have been married for seven years and have three kids. We keep our finances separate. I have protected myself in case of a divorce. We are great friends and he is a good dad
#27
My partner and I are doing alright. We communicate well enough and we support each other well. Is he ‘the one’? I don’t think so. I don’t feel a passionate love between us and I’m not super sexually attracted to him (even though he is conventionally good looking). We have been together for four years on and off. We live together. But if he asked me to marry him, I would say no. That’s usually a good way to determine whether you’re ‘meant to be.’
#28
Finally ended it just under three years ago, after a decade of on and off. Now living a happy life with someone, who is definitely the one.
#29
It drained my soul. And he turned out to be not such a good person.
Divorced for many years now, amicable for a few years. Once he met his now wife it turned very antagonistic and mean
#30
It went exactly as you would think; past tense
#31
Hanging in there. 30 years and counting
#32
Currently amicably divorcing. I’m terrified
#33
It’s sad and boring, but safe. I do miss ‘the one’ sometimes, but we’re just friends and we could never be more than that. It’s either this or total solitude, so at least I have companionship, sex, and someone who truly loves me. Of course I would give my right arm to have my true love, but here we are.
#34
He was the first man I’d ever lived with and I had to move out last month because he came out as gay. Things were okay before that but he had a lot of mental health issues that were a drain on me, he was having trouble keeping a job during the pandemic and I loved him, but wasn’t in love with him like he was with me
#35
It’s only going well because I’m no longer alone, but goddamn I really made a sacrifice…