Most people love being grandparents because they no longer have to enforce any strict parenting rules and can instead focus on spoiling their grandkids. Things can become difficult, though, if they are babysitting and the parents only want them to do things their way.
This is what a woman faced when her daughter-in-law got a new job and needed her kids looked after for a week. The poster didn’t want to help out because she was wary of the rules she’d be forced to follow, and also the lack of freedom during babysitting hours.
More info: Reddit
RELATED:Grandparents and parents need to work together and respect each other’s boundaries while creating a safe and loving environment for the children
The poster shared that her daughter-in-law was going to start a new job and needed someone to look after her kids for a week until she could get them into daycare
The grandma didn’t want to volunteer to babysit because her daughter-in-law had strict rules about their meals, watching television, and daily schedules
The poster also didn’t want to take on the 9-hour daily childcare for a week, as she wouldn’t be allowed to invite any of her friends over during that time, or go out
The grandmom told her son that he should hire a professional babysitter, but her daughter-in-law was hurt by her decision, as it would impact her new job
The poster shared that her son had two children and that his wife remained a stay-at-home mom in order to look after them. Eventually, when she got a new job, she asked her mother-in-law to babysit the little ones for a week so that she could get them into daycare. The OP wasn’t too happy about the request and found it a bit burdensome.
To understand more about the grandparents’ perspective in this situation, We reached out to DeeDee Moore, who is a helpful resource for new grandparents and parents. She is the founder of More Than Grand, which provides honest advice and ideas for strengthening bonds with one’s grandkids and their parents.
She explained that “expectations about babysitting should always be a starting point for a discussion, not an assumption on either the parent’s or grandparent’s part. Many grandparents are happy to provide childcare, but others have completely legitimate reasons to decline.”
“Parents have to realize that if grandparents are willing to be their go-to babysitter, they are doing them a big favor,” she added. It seems like the daughter-in-law didn’t understand that, and expected her husband’s mom to follow all of her rules and also be okay giving up 9 hours of her time daily for an entire week.
DeeDee also weighed in, saying, “I do think the grandmother had reason to say no. The number of rules and conditions made her uncomfortable, and she probably recognized that if she strayed from them, the parents would be upset with her. The parents seemed to have forgotten that when you need something from somebody, making it difficult doesn’t help you get what you want.”
We also reached out to grandparents Karen and Kadon, who shared that they “don’t think it’s right to have an expectation that your parents will care for their grandchildren for free, on a regular basis. For us, we have lives too! We are willing to provide support with our grandchildren when we can and on our terms.”
They also said: “we don’t think the grandparent was wrong at all. She has a right to not watch her grandchild. It’s not a rule that we must watch our grandchildren no matter what. Honestly, we feel like if you have such strict rules about your children, then you should be prepared to keep them yourself, respectfully.”
The grandmom certainly didn’t feel comfortable looking after her grandkids for a week because she knew that during that time, she wouldn’t be able to meet her friends. She also mentioned that her daughter-in-law didn’t like her friend group and thought that they were bad influences. That’s why the OP said no to providing free childcare.
According to experts, grandparents should be open with their adult children about their feelings and not be afraid to turn down some of their requests. Parents also need to understand that grandparents aren’t obligated to provide babysitting services.
DeeDee Moore also added that “parents and grandparents need to have respectful, honest conversations about boundaries. Talking early and often about expectations will solve most problems before they start, and set the groundwork for working together if problems do come up. In the end, both parents and grandparents want what’s best for the children.”
Karen and Kadon also shared that they “both believe that communication is key to any relationship. Voicing concerns, setting boundaries, and opening the lines of communication have been key in our relationship with our daughter. Interests should be voiced, respected (even if we don’t agree), and adhered to if your grandchildren are in your care (except for matters of safety).”
Hopefully, in this situation, the mom and grandmom can work together to find some middle ground so that neither of them is dissatisfied. The OP can then step in and help her daughter-in-law with the childcare so that she can focus on her new job, while the other woman can be a bit more lenient about her rules. This kind of collaboration will ultimately benefit the children.
Do you think the OP was right to turn down the babysitting request? Let us know your thoughts.
Folks were divided on the issue, with some understanding the poster’s perspective and others feeling that she was being too selfish
